fiction & caffeine

Self-awareness

admin — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:16:26 +0000

This is as thin as I should be, as thin as I always was. My back should ache whichever way I turn from overuse, from not enough rest for repair. I should delight in eating only fruit and nuts, inviting jokes about not having finished pecking at my meal. I should feel so light as my pants get loose and my period stops and everyone says, “Alicia, you look so great.”

Thighs, Girls

admin — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 20:32:03 +0000

While sitting here snacking on organic mini-wheat cereal wet with organic almond milk, wearing glasses and ostensibly working on a book review, I take a look at my Facebook feed and see a girl I knew in elementary school posing for a picture in a smoky club. She and her friends wear tight, insanely short dresses. I wonder what my parents would have had to have done differently to make me that person instead. We were in the same class every year, often compared because we were both very short and had Puerto Rican dads. Her legs were always stick-thin, though; mine have always been thick and muscular. Maybe it was only that that caused us to have opposite lives. I think it’s as simple as the nature of your thighs when you’re a girl.

Inappropriate Sentence for Book Review

admin — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 20:13:48 +0000

The tone attempts formalness, but is markedly manic and hysterical; I could be projecting, though, for I attempt togetherness yet am manic and hysterical.

Notebook Fantasy

admin — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 14:08:27 +0000

In my brain, Roberto Bolaño and I are friends. We sit at the bar and he drinks a lot and I’m full after one beer and I listen to him. He speaks. I nod, laugh, relish his company but worry for him. My personality, like everyone’s, is dependent upon context. Here, with Bolaño, I am straitlaced and together; with someone else, I’m the one gesticulating, drinking too much, getting overexcited. I am happy here at the bar with him. Probably because this could only exist in death.

Birthday Recap

admin — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 14:54:32 +0000

Hi, I’m a child. A newly 26-year-old child. THIS IS WHAT I DID ON MY BIRTHDAY! It was my first vegan one, you know.

7 a.m.: regular Wednesday morning yoga class. Teacher told me I look like I’m “shrinking,” and made hand motions to note that it was in girth and not in height.
9:30 a.m.: eating my usual oatmeal at the table. Savoring it. Scott asks me if I want my gift, and I warily say yes, even though he was going about it in a way that was making me nervous. Anyway, we’re going to DisneyWorld next weekend. Seriously. I’ve been pining for a ride on Space Mountain for the last few years in a really immature, spoiled, unbecoming way. And now I get to go. Look at what behavior pays off in this world.
10 a.m.: go to the nail salon and get a gray mani-pedi. Looks sick. Feel awesome.
12 p.m.: get in the car to take my favorite drive down 25A to Port Jeff to eat at Tiger Lily Café. Enjoy a sesame tofu wrap. Walk around the town. On my way back, stop in Stony Brook Village to check out a fair trade store. Decide Scott would be upset if I brought a giant wooden bowl into our already overstuffed kitchen and buy nothing.
4 p.m.: walk over to Cinema Arts Centre with my friend Kyle to see the new Almodóvar, The Skin I Live In, for the second time this week. It’s really freaking enjoyable. Kyle needed to see it. It only cost $11 to see it twice because being a CAC member rules.
6:30 p.m.: go to Sapsuckers and get a veggie burger (no bun, no cheese—hello). It’s made with fresh vegetables and hummus; it’s not some prefab patty. Devour it, their fabulous fries, and two iced teas.
7:30 p.m.: Herrell’s Ice Cream for one scoop peanut butter No-Moo and one scoop chocolate No-Moo. At the last minute I tell him to throw some pecans on it. It’s good.

Then we caught up on some HBO shows and I went to bed early. AWESOME!

These are the best things from my Facebook wall:

Tomorrow Is My Birthday

admin — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 17:51:41 +0000

I’ll be 26.

During some recent domestic squabble with Scott about cooking, I said something about how in the last few years I’ve had to graduate from college, develop a career, and deal with my parents’ divorce—I hadn’t had a lot of time or space to get into cooking, so I’m sorry if my late blooming in that department somehow makes my new interest less authentic. I tend to place smaller issues on perhaps a grander stage than they’re worth, but this was an epiphany for me: I really have had a lot to deal with in the last four years. It’s only in the last one that I’ve settled into myself.

I feel like I’ve been rewired. It’s thanks to yoga. I’m not perfect and have had my share of meltdowns since starting to practice seriously a little over a year ago, but they don’t linger and I’m able to see and accept them for what they are. I’ve recently started to meditate, which has opened up more for me. I’ve also decided to start eating completely vegan. Though I’ve dabbled for a while and eat mainly whole grains and vegetables anyway, I want to be really committed to it, for health and sustainability.

I’ve let go of all expectations for myself and my life. It’s happening; it’s happening right; I’m approaching it all with love and joy. No effort is wasted. When I’m not obsessed with the results of writing, I can actually write. When I’m not eating shitty food, I’m not obsessing over my body. I’ve never felt better, and I’m excited to carry this forward.

Nuns and Stickers and Shit

admin — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:49:33 +0000

I think with everything I write, you can tell that I start out trying to go somewhere, and then end up not having enough time to do my ideas justice. I’m working on it. In related news, Specter published my ramblings on Nine Inch Nails and tweendom in light of reading the Pretty Hate Machine 33 1/3 by Daphne Carr.

Releasing Toxins via Popcorn

admin — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 19:47:31 +0000

“Some people look at it as a chance to escape from life, going to a play, going to a movie,” Shannon says. “It’s escapism. Maybe some people look at it as inspirational. To me, I find relief in it when it’s more extreme than everyday life. It’s kind of like going to a deep tissue massage. It’s cathartic. You’re releasing toxins—psychic, spiritual toxins. Unless you’re the freaking Dalai Lama or something, everybody’s carrying that stuff around. The Dalai Lama’s probably carrying it around.” —Michael Shannon in Flaunt. I saw Take Shelter this past weekend, and it was absolutely brilliant. GO!

Talking to Translators

admin — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 17:20:08 +0000

A week ago, an interview I did with translator Kerri Pierce went up at The Awl. Her translation of Kjersti A. Skomsvold’s The Faster I Walk, the Smaller I Am is out from Dalkey Archive this week. It’s really freaking good, and this woman works in seven languages. This is the second interview with a translator I’ve done for Awl, a site I super-love, and I’m really appreciative of the opportunity. I am a feeble interviewer but hope to improve.

Junot Makes Me Tear Up

admin — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 21:21:48 +0000

“You guys know about vampires? … You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? There’s this idea that monsters don’t have reflections in a mirror. And what I’ve always thought isn’t that monsters don’t have reflections in a mirror. It’s that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didn’t see myself reflected at all. I was like, “Yo, is something wrong with me? That the whole society seems to think that people like me don’t exist? And part of what inspired me, was this deep desire that before I died, I would make a couple of mirrors. That I would make some mirrors so that kids like me might see themselves reflected back and might not feel so monstrous for it.” —Junot Díaz